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One of my heroes, Jane C, wrote this blog called Cancer is Not a Journey. It is perfect. Quote:
Cancer is not a journey. Stop with the meaningless platitudes. Cancer is a kidnapping. A hijacking. You’re going along, living your life and BAM. A bag gets thrown over your head and you are captured and you don’t know where the hell you are going. |
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Thoughts shared with Jane, July 11:
I rankle at people calling cancer a "journey" as well, but I don't think it bothers me as much as it bothers some folks. Other things bother me more (for example, "you've got this" makes me want to scream). The only reason why I've called it a "journey" on my blog is because the blog is on the website that I normally use to plan and document my travels... you know... like actual journeys. :) I'm terrified that I will end up with heart issues. Lung issues. Cognitive issues. Diabetes (which I've been so successfully fighting off for the last two years). These are all things that can happen from my chemo, and from the Herceptin. Something like 25% of women who get Herceptin end up with heart issues. I feel very much like the last few strong, healthy years of my life have been stolen from me. I could already feel my strength and vitality draining off, and was making plans for "one last" European cycle tour when this happened, and I just don't know if I'm going to have even one more left in me now. I'm so angry. I also have hand tremors and muscle twitches. It could just be essential tremor, and chemo side effects, or it could be Parkinsons, MS or ALS. I don't think I'm as much of a fighter as you are. I know that if I have some kind of cognitive or degenerative disease I'll immediately start looking into doctor-assisted suicide. Brent and I are from very different camps that way. I demand quality from my life, where he values quantity as much, or more than, quality. I have a few things that I'd want to make sure I have settled, but I would be ready to go if my only option was severe decline. You say you're stunned by my openness. I guess there are a couple of things behind that. First of all, I am not afraid of losing anything. If I lose friends (or acquaintances) because of it, then they're not ones I want anyway. Also, I think my experience can help others learn. We don't help each other learn and grow if everyone is keeping their hard experiences tight to the chest. Several people have mentioned to me that I've helped them learn, not only how to deal with me, but how to deal with their other people who are going through something hard. I like to feel useful, and helping people learn makes me feel useful. |
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Thoughts shared with Jane, July 12:
I don't think it's weird at all to get hypnotized for chemo. It's a truma - physically and mentally. Whatever we can do for ourselves to cope is a good thing. I personally use humor (you're probably beginning to suspect). I've ordered a couple of really colorful wigs, which should be here before my next infusion. One of them is long and purple, and I'll be wearing it enroute, but once I get there, the IV stand will be wearing it and her name will be Lucy (short for Lucifer). Yes, I think it's important to have someone to say the hard shit to that isn't necessarily a loved one. So far my hard-shit-person has been an internet rando from California. She also has HER2+ breast cancer. She got it at the same time as her wife got a different cancer a few years ago. Her wife has since passed of it. Internet Rando Barbara and I have a lot in common and I vent to her fairly frequently. I hope you don't mind if I also start venting to you - you're one of the few people who I think really gets it. I like the scar tattoos on other people, but yeah, it's not for me either. Although I have no qualms about sticking random things on my chest. I actually love (like LOVE) being a flattie. I expected to find a lot of relief in it but it's more than that. I LOVE it. That sucks so bad about your heart problems, and your resignation that you probably won't do any more mountain hiking. I haven't done much hiking in the last few years just because my favorite stomping grounds have become so overcrowded and hassle-full, but I don't want to just lose the option of going if I decide to. I'm spoiled - I get that. Very privileged with the life I've had, and what I will still have to some degree, after this. Knowing how privileged I am doesn't stop me being angry. Honestly I would like to know what caused this to happen to me. I'm sure there were dozens of "risk factors", starting with never having been pregnant, alcohol consumption, and living in a polluting province in a polluted time. But the problem is, when it comes to the individual, there's no way to know, and ascribing blame, especially to SOMEONE ELSE'S cancer is just counter-productive (and a real asshole move if you're blaming the person for getting cancer). Unless we had a "control Rhonda" who split off the day I started getting chemo, there's no real way to find out how much of what I'm experiencing is due to the chemo. But my hand tremors started during the pandemic and got noticeably worse over the last several months leading up to chemo. They have taken another giant leap forward in severity, and now I have the big muscle twitches. Maybe they'll clear up when I'm done chemo, and maybe they won't - all I can do is wait and see. I'm terrified that I may end up with dementia. I'm doing what I can to prepare - making sure Brent knows where all the bodies are buried, for example. I thought I might get involved in some in-person support groups, but I've thought better of it. I have online support groups, including my amazing FB people. I get very triggered by people "coming at me" with their religious (and woo) b.s., and if I go to an in-person support group I think I wouldn't be able to avoid that like I can online. I had EMDR several years ago and it worked great. Then my therapist stopped doing it and I just haven't found anything I like as well. If I really need something, though, I will 100% seek out EMDR again. |
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| Facebook Post: I find my boobless chest wonderful and fascinating. I love how i look in a t-shirt and I love how it all feels. I do not miss my boobs AT ALL. I didn’t expect to really miss them but to be this satisfied and gleeful with this version of me is more than I hoped for. It’s almost like a couple of unwelcome aliens are finally gone off of me. |